Further Non-Adventures in the Life of a Potato's Escort

There is something of the natural born teacher in me. It’s not that I admire academic excellence above all else, but I do love it when I see creativity, hard work, progress and pleasure in personal achievement. And so it is entirely with this in mind that I shall send the following didactic email to my last date in the hope that it will help him learn and find some absorbent and deaf sponge a partner.

Dear Dave,

Thank you for coming to meet me today. The coffee and cakes were delicious, weren’t they?

At the end of the date when I said it was most fascinating to meet you, I meant it. Then you asked me to get in touch to arrange to see you again, but I’m afraid I will have to decline your kind offer. 

Because, my dear Dave, the reason it was most fascinating to meet you was this: I have never yet been on a date with someone who doesn’t have the gumption to ask me my real name. Not only did you never find that out, but when I thoughtfully provided you with little entrees into the subject, you either totally ignored them or were oblivious to them.

Suggestion Number 1

Ask the person sitting opposite you what her real name is well before you get to the date stage.

******

The full thirty-year history of your career was most entertaining, and I enjoyed hearing about your travels. I learned a lot about customs in Dubai, Bahrein, about the gun culture in Mexico City, the favelas in Brazil  – oh, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. However, you seemed to assume that in the first instance I was born; and then, in the second instance, I arrived at 50 having spent the interim in a box that was never opened.

Suggestion Number 2

When you are blurbing on and on and on about describing the places you have been to, ask the person sitting opposite you if she has been there too.She may or may not have been there, but she may be able to compare and contrast with places she has been to. When you mention off shore investments, and the person says something knowledgeable about them, ask how she knows these things. You might learn something to your advantage. When the person hints at having lived somewhere exotic, take the opportunity to make further enquiries.

******

It is not a good idea to tell the person sitting opposite you how you regularly fleece your company by purposely going to the most expensive restaurants, choosing the most expensive items on the menu and claiming it all on your expenses. It doesn’t make you big, well-travelled or clever: it merely makes you cheap.

Suggestion Number 3

Examine your conscience and give some thought to karma.

******

When I asked you what your interests outside work were, you seemed to have very little to say for yourself. From this I can only deduce that internet dating is your hobby; and if that is all you want it to carry on being, by all means continue to behave in the way you behave. You will fill in the odd hour here`and there, but in the process you will be wasting somebody else’s time.  

Suggestion Number 4

Cultivate a richer inner life and give the women of the world a well-earned break.   

******

And on that note, I will end my message. I hope my suggestions help you find the lady of your dreams. 

Yours in kindness and optimism,

Cousine Bette. 


Friends, followers, family and all the rest of the people on this planet - please, please, please tell me why men say they want to see you again when they haven't asked you one single question, not one, and haven't shown the slightest bit of interest in anything about you? Beats me. 


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