God's Little Way of Giving You a KUTA

Or even - a Kick Up The Arse. In the last blog, you may recall, The Guy Up Top bestowed the fleeting gift of self-confidence and love for all humankind upon me; birds sang, butterflies hovered above flowers, the sun shone, and I had no need of Spanx. In fact, nearly all was Disney. Two days later what I'm about to report happened. 

Some of you who manage to get through these blogs without falling asleep greedily devour these blogs are also internet daters, and I’d like your opinion because I'm truly baffled and feeling out of sync with the rest of the planet.

Let’s call him Andy.

Setting: The Website Inbox

We've exchanged a couple of messages each; they were business-like-ish, but friendly with a bit of mild banter. Very mild.  He seems like a reasonable person. I venture this: 

Me: Hi Andy, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to be really honest here. I try to keep the messages on the website to about four each way, otherwise it can become very time-consuming and intrusive, and can lead to all kinds of disappointments. And there's no better way to get to know someone than to actually make a date and meet. I hope that's OK with you? 

Him: Why the aggressive tone? This isn’t like your first message at all. Why do you feel the need to do that? Isn’t it better that we get to know each other on here first? Don’t you think that’s rather quick? You appear very angry. I’m a bit of an internet virgin, so I maybe I’ve got a lot to learn.

Me: Hi Andy, I don’t mean to be aggressive – I’m very sorry if it seems that way. My approach is based on experience. I’ve been on here for about five months in total. I've met some very nice people, made some marvelous friends, but also come across some jerks. I've chosen to take you at face value – you seem like a genuine and decent person. I don’t know what it’s like on the male side of the website, but for a woman it can sometimes get a little bit unpleasant, so my preference is to just nip in and out. It’s partly a question of staying safe, partly a question of staying sane. I don't plan to come on the website for a while, but if you want to contact me at my hotmail address, here it is.

MY dear FFFs - friends, followers and family - how lovely of me was that? Wasn’t it lovely? I mean really, really lovely, given my usual level of misanthropy caution. So far, only eight people have managed to squeeze into that little window of opportunity; three of them are still there being good mates. You mightn't have heard of them: not everybody is blog fair game. But I meander - let's get back to it: 

Him: I don't understand you at all. What do you want from me? You send me your email address, but if I contact you then you'll obviously know mine. Why would I want that? And you’ve just mentioned staying safe. I don’t know the first thing about you either. You could be anyone. Why should I tell you anything? 

So now I’m getting somewhat pissed off and regretting having given him the bloody email address. But hey! Person-centred counselling hat back on! I wouldn’t want to be a male on the receiving end of a female stalker. In the meantime, four more unsolicited messages in the inbox. It’s worse than writing bloody Christmas cards… (Oh yeah, FFFs, sorry if you didn’t get one last year. Or the year before. I’m getting round to it. ;) Honest!)  

Me: Andy, Quite right! You don’t need to give me your usual address. I wouldn’t dream of handing mine out to all and sundry. But there is nothing easier than setting up an anonymous hotmail account if you want to. It would just give us the opportunity to exchange a few messages without the hassle associated with the site. Anyway, I’m sorry but I really must go now. I’ll leave it up to you - if you want to contact me, super. If not, then not. All the best to you whatever you decide, CB x

I thought that was fair enough. Or maybe it wasn’t? That little x nonsense on the end is supposed to signify some level of warmth, isn’t it? Sufficient encouragement? No hard feelings? Apparently not! 

Him: You are a very strange and unpleasant woman. I have no idea why you are even on this website if you don’t want to talk to people. Isn’t that the whole point of it? Your tone is really aggressive and you sound very bitter and twisted. Is there anything about your profile that's true? You say you have friends but I can’t imagine you having any friends at all if this is the way you deal with people. Perhaps you need to sort that out before starting dating. You are not somebody I would want to get to know at all. Most unpleasant. Hard and vile. Thanks very much but I think I’ll pass. 

Whoaaah! Eh? Yer wa? (And for the non-English, non-northern readers – roughly translated ‘yer wa?’ is 'I respectfully beg your pardon?') 

Was the whole thing a wind-up on his part from the very beginning? Just so he could get to the punch line? Did I really sound so aggressive? I thought I just sounded grown up and matter of fact. Ooer, I mean - how ‘fluffy’ do you have to be? 

Perhaps I shouldn’t be asking the girls. Are there any men reading this? What exactly did I do wrong? Tell me gently; I’m having a minor sort of crisis. Clearly, I'm not bothered about the Andy guy - meh! But just wondering whether the woman who was asked for a kiss from a (visually challenged) complete stranger is the same one as the bitter and twisted, hard and vile person described above and the same one that's writing this blog. 

And I do have friends... Erm, some... Well, at least one, perhaps? Don't I? Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - you aren't just a figment of my imagination, are you?